I like Bollywood movies but…

In an old Hindi movie a girl’s father announces, ‘Aaj Innispettor Gullu gaana gayenge’. Gullu doesn’t even pause to clear his throat and launches into a song – ‘… Happy burday to you, happy burday to Suniiiita….’ The rest of mankind has birthdays, Bollywood has burdays.

In one Amitabh Bachchan movie his horse falls in love with a bronze horse that’s part of a statue. And the two elope – the real horse and the bronze statue horse. The other part of the statue - a bronze general – is left dangling in the air.

In the movie Anand a man dying of cancer (Rajesh Khanna) sings songs and acts irritatingly chirpy throughout and keeps calling Amitabh Babu Moshoi. This is a landmark film because for the first time the villain and the hero don’t have a fist fight (but that’s only because the villain happens to be a cluster of cancerous cells).

If someone ever acts in one Hindi movie as a villain he’s going to spend the rest of his Bollywood career as a villain.

A Hindi film’s idea of acting is this - when the hero loses his father or mother he quickly rushes up to and sits on the nearest bed and turns his face away while covering it with his open palm and says something that sounds like ‘agggllluuuuu’.

For women, a Hindi film’s idea of acting this - at regular intervals the heroine calls out to her dad, ‘darry’ and pouts. Halfway through the movie she tells darry she’s in love with an orangutan who also happens to be a police officer and is bearing his child and wants to marry (rhymes with darry) him. At which point the Dad says ‘Munzoor hai. In fact Sunita, I quite fancy Inispettor Bundar myself.’

One Hindi movie was titled ‘Katilon ka katil’ (translation: The Assassin’s Assassin). What might that movie have been like.

Everything about a Bollywood movie is loud. The clothes they wear, the audiences, the acting, the songs, the characters, even the speakers in the theatres are all shrill and loud !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All Bollywood ever makes is musicals. Even Bollywood thrillers have songs – guys chase each other in fast cars, shoot at each other, chuck bombs etc, but all the while they’re singing, ‘Roop tera mastana, hey look out! Grenade! …Pyaar mera diwana….’.

In all Hindi movies when they’re happy or sad or depressed or celebrating something or getting married or divorced or growing corn in the fields or babies in their beds or making love or war or picking their nose… they sing.

In movies from any other country they act.